


i love you (i'm sorry)

by thatchoiboy



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, Angst, Depression, I am so sorry, M/M, Suicide, Trigger Warnings, it was one of those days, sorry it this hurt you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 17:42:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13346241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatchoiboy/pseuds/thatchoiboy
Summary: Jaebum comes home to a silent house with the water running from the bathroom.





	i love you (i'm sorry)

**Author's Note:**

> also posted at tumblr for 2JAE Network Introduction Event :)  
> i hope you guys enjoy this! my apologies for errors, its unedited..

  
Jaebum didn’t know what lay ahead. He had come to work early, kissing the top of Youngjae’s forehead before heading towards his car. It was infuriating, he wanted to stay beside Youngjae instead, watch the younger's steady breaths, and kiss every part of him.  
  


_ Regret _ .  
  


With a heavy heart he rushed to return home as soon as he got a text message from his lover, reading it an hour late, immediately calling 911.  
  


_”I’m sorry, Jaebum.”_ It read.  
  


He slammed open the door, taking long strides towards the source of the sound of running water. The bathroom. 

Raising his fists, sturdy knuckles colliding with the rough surface of the door. “Youngjae! Open up the door!” He cried, he knocks a little harder, causing his knuckles to form a bruise. He fumbled with the doorknob, finding out it was locked.  _ Damn it. _

Jaebum backed away from the only thing that is keeping his distance from Youngjae. He counted, and barged through the door, successfully breaking the door down. He was bleeding, he could feel the pain. His shoulders.  _ Oh _ . But  _ that _ doesn't matter, only  _ Youngjae _ matters.

The sight left him numbed. The pain from his shoulder? Gone.   
  


Youngjae?  _ Gone _ .  
  


He fell to his knees, scurrying towards the unmoving body underneath the tub full of water, ignoring the scattered sleeping pills that he crushes every step he took. He shakily grab a hold of the freezing body.  _ How long did he stay in there? He must've felt cold.  _

Jaebum brushed his lover's hair away from his face, letting out a small smile, eyes welling up of tears that slowly slips down onto Youngjae's pale face each time he looks at him, he holds his hand, grasping the fingers, staring at the ring on his finger. 

_ "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."  _  He repetitively mumbled against the other's hair as he cradled the body closer to his. 

 

He couldn't feel anything, see anything, his eyes blurry from the tears that constantly cover his vision. His whole body was shuddering, continuing to hold Youngjae close. Unable to hear the paramedics as they rush to transfer Youngjae's body to the stretcher. Jaebum stayed still,  _ Youngjae is dead. Youngjae is dead. _

_ Youngjae is... _

 

He lets out a scream. Grabbing and tugging at his brown locks. He stopped and stared at his own reflection in the mirror, his hair disheveled, eyes red, his left shoulder still bleeding non stop. A hand on his shoulder pulled him away from his thoughts, he thrashes from their hold, until he felt a sharp pain from his neck. A sedative.

"We need to treat your wound or it'll get worse." He heard someone say, before falling into deep slumber.

_ What's the point? Without Youngjae, what's the point? I'm better off dead. _

 

* * *

 

Voices. indistinct voices awoken him. Eyes adjusting to the white room, he moved his head towards his left side, the injured shoulder bandaged up securely, he wanted nothing but to rip it apart, to let the blood flow out until he runs out, but he was too tired, too hazy to lift a finger. His eyes drifted to the people seated on the couch. A woman rushes up to him. _ His _ mother, and another one,  _ Youngjae's _ mother.

 

Youngjae. 

 

He teared up, sobbing silently, sitting up from his bed and grabbing hold Mrs. Choi's hand, he repeatedly apologized, voice cracking at each word he spoke. “I-I c-couldn’t protect h-him.” He croaked out. He felt a soft hand caressing his hair, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. “It wasn’t your fault.”  _ It was. _ “Don’t replace grief with guilt.”  _ I will. _

 

_ It was my fault. _

_ My. Fault.  _

 

His blurry eyes watched his mother hand him an envelope.  _ To Jaebum _ . It read. “T-the police found this inside your bedroom, seems like Y-Youngjae really planned this out.” He shakily takes it, clutching it tight yet gently to avoid creasing it.

 

“We’ll leave you alone for a while. Don’t do anything, please. We’re very sorry for your loss.” His father says, his voice surprisingly unsteady, calling on everyone to get out of the room. The soft click of the door rang inside his head.

 

He opened the letter, staring at the messy handwriting of his husband. He laughed softly, before his lips tremble as he reads the letter : 

 

_ Dear my Jaebum, _

_  
_ _If you are reading this right now. Then I am truly sorry. I have passed away. It slowly ate me, Jaebum. Everyday. I didn’t tell you.. but it hurt. I was suffocating inside, it was hard to breathe. I felt like I was just forcing myself to breathe, because I love being with you. I didn’t want to do this, trust me. But I got sick of those anti-depressant pills! I stopped taking them a few months ago. I wanted to know how it would feel without taking it everyday. I wanted to be truly happy without them. Taking them everyday left me nauseous. It was like I  faked being happy, I’m not saying that I wasn’t happy whenever we’re together, I was!  I love you, so so much that I fought it this long. The pain I felt got worse everyday that I spent most nights crying silently. I felt lonely, isolated, like I didn’t belong. The voices in my head didn’t help either. I lost the fight Jaebum, but that doesn’t mean you can follow me, I encourage you to live like how I wanted to live._

  
  


Jaebum wiped his tears, “H-how can I live without you, i-idiot.” He snorted. He took notice of the smudges of ink on some words.  _ Youngjae must’ve been crying while writing this. _

  
  


_ I know things will be difficult, I don’t expect you to get over it soon. But please live. For me.  I really wanted to stay, but it got too much and I was sick of it. Maybe I didn’t fight back enough, maybe I should’ve seek help… but I didn’t. My death is not your fault, it’s mine. Take care Jaebum, I love you to the moon and back, and I’m sorry again. _ __  
_ Happy Anniversary My Precious Bummie <3  _ __  
__  
__ \- Your hubby, Youngjae  
  
__  
__  
Youngjae’s letter was wet due to Jaebum’s tears, he curled up on the hospital bed, sticking the letter towards his chest. “I’m sorry. don’t worry my love, I’ll see you soon. You won’t ever feel lonely again.”  

**Author's Note:**

> before you come at me, i wrote this due to what i was feeling, i am working on the fic requests it may take long yes because writing is not easy, sorry for making you guys wait too long for updates :(


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